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It’s Super Bowl Weekend. Over one billion wings, ten million pounds of ribs, and two million pizzas will be devoured, along with three-hundred twenty-five gallons of beer imbibed. Now, that’s a party. Whenever the Super Bowl comes around, it reminds me of something that happened a few years ago.
The time had come for my, now, ex-husband, to schedule his colonoscopy. For anyone who’s gone through this before, it’s not the procedure itself that’s difficult. Because, you’re totally knocked out while the unthinkable is happening. It’s the preparations you go through leading up to the colonoscopy that are, to put it mildly, a pile of crap. Think of the scene from “Dumb and Dumber”, after Jeff Daniels’ character has taken a butt-load of laxatives courtesy of his jealous friend, played by Jim Carrey.
The Prep before having a colonoscopy are as follows:
- You see your Dr. who refers you to a Gastroenterologist.
- During the initial visit, the Gastroenterologist gathers your vitals, like weight, blood pressure, etc…and, gives a brief overview of the procedure.
- Finally, you’re given a prescription, sometimes pills, sometimes liquid goo, guaranteed to “clean you out” the day before, so nothing gets in the way of the results.
Between the horse-pills, and the goo, my ex-husband chose the goo(known as Suprep). In addition to the goo, you’re allowed to have certain clear liquids, like broth and Crystal Light, along with popsicles. That’s it. Just make sure that whatever you have it’s light colored, not red or purple. Might interfere with the “dye”-gnosis.
My ex is a big guy. So, he loaded up on tons of chicken broth and citrus popsicles. Special preparations made, he was ready to go, so to speak.
There was just one problem. He’d scheduled his colonoscopy for the day after the Super Bowl. Which meant that during the Super Bowl, arguably the biggest snack day of the year, my ex-husband was sipping chicken broth and sucking popsicles. Of course, being the supportive wife that I was, I ate tons of boneless wings, Rotel Dip and chips. Yum! I did, however, cheer on my ex each time he successfully made it to the toilet; which, in fact, outnumbered Tom Brady’s touchdowns. Impressive.
The following morning, we showed up for the colonoscopy appointment. My ex walked up to the front desk to sign-in. Perusing the list of patients scheduled for the day, the puzzled receptionist said, “I can’t seem to locate your name”. After further research, however, she found it–on next week’s schedule.
*By the way, this story was told with ex-husband’s approval, God Bless him.