Timing is Everything–The Suprep Bowl

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It’s Super Bowl Weekend.  Over one billion wings, ten million pounds of ribs,  and two million pizzas will be devoured, along with three-hundred twenty-five gallons of beer imbibed.  Now, that’s a party.  Whenever the Super Bowl comes around, it reminds me of something that happened a few years ago.

The time had come for my, now, ex-husband, to schedule his colonoscopy.  For anyone who’s gone through this before, it’s not the procedure itself that’s difficult.  Because, you’re totally knocked out while the unthinkable is happening.  It’s the preparations you go through leading up to the colonoscopy that are, to put it mildly, a pile of crap.  Think of the scene from “Dumb and Dumber”, after Jeff Daniels’ character has taken a butt-load of laxatives courtesy of his jealous friend, played by Jim Carrey.

The Prep before having a colonoscopy are as follows:

  1. You see your Dr. who refers you to a Gastroenterologist.
  2. During the initial visit, the Gastroenterologist gathers your vitals, like weight, blood pressure, etc…and, gives a brief overview of the procedure.
  3. Finally, you’re given a prescription, sometimes pills, sometimes liquid goo, guaranteed to “clean you out” the day before, so nothing gets in the way of the results.

Between the horse-pills, and the goo, my ex-husband chose the goo(known as Suprep).  In addition to the goo, you’re allowed to have certain clear liquids, like broth and Crystal Light, along with popsicles.  That’s it.  Just make sure that whatever you have it’s light colored, not red or purple.  Might interfere with the “dye”-gnosis.

My ex is a big guy.  So, he loaded up on tons of chicken broth and citrus popsicles.  Special preparations made, he was ready to go, so to speak.

There was just one problem.  He’d scheduled his colonoscopy for the day after the Super Bowl.  Which meant that during the Super Bowl, arguably the biggest snack day of the year, my ex-husband was sipping chicken broth and sucking popsicles.  Of course, being the supportive wife that I was, I ate tons of boneless wings, Rotel Dip and chips.  Yum!  I did, however, cheer on my ex each time he successfully made it to the toilet; which, in fact, outnumbered Tom Brady’s touchdowns.  Impressive.

The following morning, we showed up for the colonoscopy appointment.  My ex walked up to the front desk to sign-in.  Perusing the list of patients scheduled for the day, the puzzled receptionist said, “I can’t seem to locate your name”.  After further research, however, she found it–on next week’s schedule.

 

 

 

*By the way, this story was told with ex-husband’s approval, God Bless him.

 

 

 

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Sixty Years…And Counting

…as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.  Joshua 24:15

On August 10, 1957, Jerri said “I do” to Jerry. That’s when Mom and Dad officially became a married couple. A few years earlier, mom called dad, a member of her Sunday School Class,  to see if he wanted to buy tickets to her band concert. Her exact words were, “Would you like to go to my band concert”? Dad, something of a playboy, assumed mom was asking him out, and said, “Sure. What time should I pick you up”? The rest, as they say, is history.
Sixty years is a lot of living, especially with another person in such close proximity. Mom and dad have completely different personalities. Opposites, really do attract. For instance, mom is more prone to read a book while dad likes to watch Reality TV. Mom prefers peace and quiet, and dad likes loud and boisterous, which pretty much describes him to a tee. Mom’s an introvert, dad, you guessed it, an extrovert. I guess opposites really do attract. In spite of their obvious differences, this unlikely pair has managed to stay together sixty years—and rather happily, I might add.
So, what’s the secret to their success? Sixty Years is known as the Diamond Anniversary. Here’s why…
The quality of a diamond is measured by the so-called 4Cs: Color, Clarity, Cut and Carats. Likewise, the quality of a long-term relationship is determined by the 5Cs of Commitment, Character, Communication, Comic-Relief, and Christ-Centered.
Commitment– The marriage vows weren’t just something they said during the wedding. They lived them. “For richer, or poorer”-when dad lost his job our family of five moved in with mom’s parents; a one-car garage that my grandpa had remodeled. Funny, I don’t remember the situation being difficult, though I’m sure it was—there were eight humans and one toilet. You do the math. But, what I do remember is how much fun I had staying with my grandparents, eating dinner with them, and playing “hangman” on the blackboard my grandpa had made for me and my brothers. Who needs video games!?
Character-It takes a lot of character to admit you’re wrong. Even more important, learn to “pick your battles”. It means being faithful and truthful. Honesty is important. Forgiveness, crucial.
Communication-And, not just verbally. It’s gently holding each other’s hand. It’s dad getting mom her first cup of coffee in the morning. It’s mom giving dad a kiss as he’s on his way out the door. And, dad returning her kiss when he arrives back home. And, when they argue, it looks more like an episode of “Burns and Allen”, an old comedy starring the real married couple of George Burns and Gracie Allen. The words are never mean, never cruel or hurtful. In fact, I’ve never heard my parents utter a single cuss word. Something I find absolutely astounding and charming. I really admire that.
Comic-Relief-In crowds, my dad’s the center of attention. A real hoot. He makes you laugh. More important, he makes my mom laugh. And, that’s a good thing. A very good thing. Mom’s been known to throw in some well-timed “zingers” of her own. Laughter is not only good for your health, it’s good for your marriage.
Christ-Centered-Last, but most important, mom and dad keep Christ at the center of their relationship.

I still can’t believe mom and dad have been married sixty years. This weekend our family will be celebrating their Diamond Anniversary. A diamond’s quality is determined by the 4Cs. And, the quality of mom and dad’s relationship can be summed up in 2Js—Jerry and Jerri.

Love ya’ Mom and Dad.

The Party’s Over…

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Hope you had fun on New Year’s Eve.  I had a very tame New Year’s Eve.  When you get to be a woman of a certain age,  like me, tame is okay.  I’ve already done my share of partying.  My last real New Year’s shindig, MC Hammer was singing “Can’t Touch This” over the speaker.  Stop laughing.

My partying days are long gone.  Last night, for instance, my “partying” consisted of watching Kathie Lee and Hoda on TV pretending to have fun at a New Year’s party.  Whoop- di- doo!  I went to bed at 10:30.  I figured New York would drop the ball whether I was watching or not.

I was sleeping peacefully until a boom woke me up around midnight.  A neighbor shot off some fireworks, or my husband was reacting to the mushroom puffs he’d eaten earlier in the evening.  Either way, excitement was definitely in the air, at least momentarily.

Have a Happy 2017 that’s full of life, laughter, and love.  God Bless and Party On…

Thanksgiving…Not Just a Day in November

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Let us come before His presence with thanksgiving;let us make a joyful noise to Him with songs of praise!

Psalm 95:2

So much to be thankful for…and the turkey and dressing aren’t too bad, either!  Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

It’s Fall, Y’all!

 

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens…

Ecclesiastes 3:1

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Fall, my favorite time of the year.  With all the amazing colors, football and festivals, what’s not to love?  Hope you can get out and enjoy it before the colors fade!

Pray, Vote, and Trust God

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I urge, then, first of all, that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for all people–for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness.

–1 Timothy 2:1-2

  • Pray for wisdom, our country, and our leaders.
  • Vote–it’s our right and privilege.
  • Trust God; it will work out for good.

Remember to vote!  God Bless America!

I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghost

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The Lord is my Light and my Salvation–whom shall I fear or dread?  The Lord is the Refuge and Stronghold of my life–of whom shall I be afraid?

–Psalm 27:1

Take that, Ghostbusters!